by Zachary T. Francis
These thoughts came into my mind last week after a former self-injurer told me something profound. She said, “I resent the fact that I can't cut anymore. I resent it." This person goes on to explain that others can drink, eat, do drugs, you name it when they’re upset, but she can't cut because her coping mechanism is too "harmful." In her own words, this person states that "other people drink...why can't I cut? I understand, but I resent it." If you hear other parts of the story, this woman will tell you that she never wanted to stop cutting on her own. This person only stopped because her family and friends wanted her to. This person is grateful for others wanting her to quit because "she wouldn't have wanted to stop on her own." That said, this woman kept repeating that same phrase, "I resent it. I still resent it." If we tell an alcoholic, "If you don't stop drinking, I'm going to divorce you." will they stop drinking? If we communicate to our child, "If you don't stop doing heroin, I'm going to kick you out of the house" will that be enough motivation to quit? Even though our motivation is driven by a desire to see them safe, will that be enough to change their behavior? There is a danger that many addicts have. When we stop one bad habit, we replace it with another. For instance, we quit smoking but we start overeating. We quit drinking and we take up over exercising. We stop cutting and we'll start becoming sexually promiscuous. But why would this happen? Why do addicts transfer one behavior to another? I spoke with a wonderful expert on this subject last week who stated that when you don't fix the cause of why a person is using the drugs, you will never get them to stop. Another words, you can't help someone without dealing with their inner pain. There was something else that the former cutter said that has stuck with me. She had a Christian counselor tell her that God hates the fact that she cuts. At the time, I didn't know how to process this. But as I began to think about it, I thought, does God want us to cut ourselves? No. It says the body is the temple and we are supposed to take care of it. But 1 John 4:8 states that "Whoever does not love does not know God because God is love." So if "God is love", He would always see things through the prism of love. Furthermore, if God, who always sees things through the prism of love, saw a girl cut herself with a steak knife would he immediately be focused on the cutting and not hurting the "outer temple" or would He think "Boy, you must be going through some really bad stuff to want to cut yourself." Perhaps God might add, "what can I do to carry some of your burdens today?" Jesus even says in Matthew 11:29-30 to "Come to me, all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:30) Why do we yell at our wife to stop burning herself before we ask if she’s OK? Why do we not hear our friends past when she is throwing up in the bathroom? Is it because we don’t love them? Or is it because we love them SO MUCH that we are afraid for them? 1 John 4:18 states "There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out all fear." I believe that when we force things out of fear, nothing will be solved. A dry alcoholic is still an alcoholic. A person who has switched from cutting to bulimia is still purging out their emotions and harming their body. If the emotions aren't healed, if the pain isn't remedied, if the trauma isn't faced, it doesn't matter how something looks on the outside. In the end, nothing has changed. But when we look at things through a prism of love, real change can happen because we are looking at the why and not the what. Why are they cutting? Why are they burning? Why are they bulimic? We cast out all fear, deal with things through the prism of love….look at the person and not their action. And let the power of grace heal the individual. |